You Are Consecrated to Me According to the Laws of Minhag

I continue to scan a lot of Jewish blogs. The conversations are, by turns, fascinating and illuminating. I feel like an anthropologist. Yet, being a young Jewess (religiously), I make the mistake, each time, of anticipating that if it is Jewish, there must be religion in there somewhere, especially when observance is trotted out as a modifier. In contrast, I am finding, that though Jewish culture is alive and kicking, so is observance-as-culture. We Jews seem to live a whole lot of religious culture and not so much, religion (for lack of a better word).

The various blogs make me wonder, what is religion anyway? Is it tradition? Observance? Conformity to the prevailing culture in the Jewish community? Whatever we make it?

I find that people often mention their level of observance or their affiliation, which assumes (often, incorrectly) a committed level of observance, and a standard. There are many labels of affiliation, perhaps, more importantly, identification. This became very apparent while scanning the dating sites. Reminds me a little of the Jets and the Sharks, from West Side Story (is there a Biblical equivalent to the Montagues and Capulets?) Let's see, from poring over Jewish texts- the dating sites and blogs- the bouquet garni flavouring the non-melding pot of Jews, freely flowing from my misfiring memory, contains the following: Sephardic, modern orthodox- liberal, modern orthodox- machmir (stringent), black hat, yeshiva, chareidi, conservative, renewal, reconstructionist, reform, orthodox, shomer mitzvot, yeshiva modern, satmar, lubavitch, litvak, bobover, etc., traditional, Carlebachian, .....as I take a deep breath to relieve the dizziness, that is all I remember. Oh yeah, I forgot the 'heretic' Karaites.

Since I am new to all of this, when I read the conversations, I discover many things. Tznius (modesty) is a biggie. I find it interesting that it is largely men talking about what women should or should not be wearing. Often one woman will chime in. But it is largely men delving lovingly and at length into the minutiae of what constitutes tznius, and more importantly and saliently, what constitutes 'tznius' in a major babe, or "hottie", especially when she is intelligent and prominent. Somehow, I don't get the feeling this has much to do with religion, though modesty of clothing and speech is enshrined in halacha.

Another prevalent subject spotlights the observation, or fear, of visibly breaking the rules (halacha); in the secular world the 'observers' would call the self-styled keepers of the 'law', "nosy" and "intrusive"; in the Jewish world they would be called a yenta (gossip maven); in the halachic world it can be justified by the injunction to "correct one's fellow". Hence we have the "shomer" label- if you say that you keep certain laws or all the possible laws, you are asserting your standing in the halachic hierarchy; it seems rather like a defence against the "cultural/halachic" yentas. When does halacha become minhag (custom) and culture, and chauvinism? Ditto, the kol isha issue (interdiction against hearing a woman's voice). The way it is approached rather reminds me of Victorian days, when a glimpse of a woman's ankle was considered seductive and felt erotic. It isn't religion. But females feel the pressure and the non-religious scrutiny, nevertheless. Whether it is the length of one's skirt or the seams on an adolescent's stockings.

Then there are the activities forbidden for one pride of Jews, but not for another. Or encouraged. Whether it is shaving of heads, wearing of head coverings or style of head coverings, touch, socialising of sexes, appropriate attire, appropriate grooming, the style of one's hairs, the cut of one's tzitzit, the clothes you wear, the food you eat, ostensible observance, like Shabbos or any other measurable ritual, and the way that ritual is supposed to be performed....I am sure there are more. Again, when does minhag become halacha? Or halacha minhag? The differences make a difference, in that you become different and, therefore, a stranger. And people tend to fear or be suspicious of a stranger.

Then there is education, esteemed purview of Jews since Abraham; one can argue the relative merits of yeshiva, seminary, Jewish day school, Hebrew school, study for females, a Torah learning life, a secular education, and making a living. For example, someone who has learned a load of halacha can run rings around someone less learned. Of course, who you learned from can be the measure of your standing and that can be argued as well. All for the sake of heaven, I am sure, as is kashrut in its infinite variety and all the quibbles about what constitutes a kosher hechsher (kosher seal of approval).

Among all the voices, it seems that one thing is clear- if you do not ostensibly show yourself to behave in a certain manner, another will write you off, judge you, or after some idiosyncratic scrutiny, accept you as one of their own "kind". It seems to me that the tradition handed down for so many centuries has somehow gotten mixed up with the religious. Piety depends on the length of your skirt or the cut of your hairs. And this is what many discuss. All those designations mentioned above, are largely about culture. There is some evidence, I think, that when a people lives religiously for centuries, according to the 'law', by the time it reaches the generations of this century, it has lost much of its meaning except to tell you whether you belong or not, whether you have an identity or not. It becomes part of the culture of your community. To be observant becomes an artifact. And G-d and Torah can be used to exclude you, denigrate you, intimidate you, by those with whom you affiliate.

As someone at End the Madness, a site that re-evaluates the perspective on dating and marriage, in its section on the covenant, so astutely pointed out:

People who scorn marriage with others based upon non-Halachic externalities are in violation of [the interdiction against] sinas chinam (baseless hatred).

And that is what I see in many conversations- hatred among Jews that is without reason or merit, hatred based on pettiness and on religious acculturation which hasn't anything remotely to do with G-d and Torah and Yisrael. And it doesn't matter whether you perceive yourself as liberal or otherwise, enlightened or traditional- when it comes down to the details, they are all petty and rather sexist, a matter of personal convenience. It is easy to avow that one is an "observant" Jew, as if ritual were the measure of a man (and I use the word "man", advisedly); it is far harder to act like a mensch. I guess along with Yiddishkeit, I would like to see more menschlichkeit, not as an afterthought, but as the way of communion with fellow Jews, as part of one's ways in life.

I think that the problems of dating and marriage exemplify what is wrong with attitudes today as in days past:

It is fundamentally wrong to judge someone based on non-Halachic externalities. Doing so is an act of sinas chinam, the primary cause of our continued exile and national suffering. Reciting tehillim will not save us as long as the reason for our punishment continues in such force. People who scorn marriage with others based upon non-Halachic externalities are in violation of sinas chinam. This is true even if they are friends, even if they eat in each other’s homes, even if they learn Torah together, etc. The ultimate sign of true acceptance between people and families – or lack thereof – is marriage ~From End the Madness

Otherwise, Judaism as Torah bearer and standard is denied and betrayed.

On the same note, I think that it is human nature to concentrate on the externals, which are so easy to quantify. It is hard to be a Jew, and it is even harder to be a sincere Jew from the heart. When you are a heartfelt Jew it is a guarantee that almost every day of your life, your heart will be broken in some manner. I think that the yoke of Torah is far tougher than just adhering to the mitzvot (pretty tough in itself). It means being a mensch when no one else is. That is such a huge and worthy challenge- to be a decent human being and to do it modestly, without fanfare, in the face of so much temptation and ugliness. Not to say that those online are lacking; it is simply to say that there is more to being a Jew than the culture of observance.